Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
