Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
