but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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