What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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