i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
