Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
