i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
