So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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