I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
