Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
