She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
