So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
