Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
