What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
