I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We are two peas in an std pod
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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