So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he told me I talked like a deaf person
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
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i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
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Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.