my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
