I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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