I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Drunk is a universal language darling
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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