Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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