This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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