Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
