I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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