today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
