Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
