All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
