sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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