just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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