He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
