don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize