Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
