You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
