I wish I could teleport
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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