1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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