Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
