his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
