god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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