You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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