come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
