im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
