You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
