are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
