8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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