i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
