the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
