I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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