dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
