I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
