dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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