Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
