I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
this is an emotional support booty call
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
