Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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