I'm going to jail i love you
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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