Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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