Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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