My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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