Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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