alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
